HORRAHZ!!!!

yes, i am horrible at keeping up a blog. i think i even listed "regular blog posting" as one of my goals. most of those goals have fallen by the wayside if you cared to know.

long story short, i am in a FUNK. and its not a happy, crazy funky funk... well, it's crazy but it DEFINITELY ain't happy!!

i have struggled with depression since i was 10 years old. and i'm 26... no wait... 25 (until november)... so over 15 years i've struggled with this and am a little better with coping and functioning. but not soooo much better that i'm good. i'm just barely okay. which isn't bad but it's nowhere near where i want or need to be.

i go up and down... i sometimes crave social attention, and i sometimes withdraw almost completely from the world. thank GOD for J... if he wasn't around to pull me out of it or force me to come back to the world then i don't know where i would be, even for my kids. so thank you, jared.

so right now, i am down. withdrawn but still functional (barely), just trying to take it one day at a time... one thing at a time. and its been months that i've been spiraling down down down... slowly and irregularly going down. but i think i've passed the bottom and am on the upswing. godd i hope this is an upswing and not just a temporary reprise from it to send me further down...

so i'm sorry, my blog. i do think of you often but don't feel like i have anything important to say nor the energy to sit and explain to you what's going on.

but good news is (as i just posted to my 2ps peeps) that there is a light which means there is an end... it's just a matter of figuring out how hard i have to fight and how willing i am to fight to get to that end.

ttyl
=o) kel